Battling it Out on the Playground

I hate it when I handle a difficult situation badly. I hate it when I lose my temper or let my feelings get out of control. I want to keep control of my emotions all of the time. Nothing ever good came from me getting angry and yelling at someone. I work hard to make sure that situations with other people do not get out of control. I don’t want to see a good relationship with another person destroyed because I lost my temper. Sometimes I am not so good at this trick. Sometimes I can learn a lesson or two from my children.

I remember a few years back when my son Richard impressed me with his superior conflict resolution skills. One would not think that a seven-year old boy could handle an explosive situation better than his old man. But one can be wrong. Richard was playing at a playground jungle gym. There was another boy playing there and he started to push Richard around a bit. I was standing nearby and when I saw what was happening I started to get mad.

When I was growing up, I was picked on like most people. I was picked on because I was thin and therefore an easy mark for larger kids. But I was also an easy mark because of my temper. I had a very short fuse and it didn’t take much of a spark to light it. As a result I was picked on a lot and I got into a lot of playground fights. To this day I am very sensitive about my children getting picked on by other kids. When I see this happening the old angry feelings start to rise up within me and boil over. I lose control quickly when I see my kids in trouble. And so a blowup was coming between me and this kid at the playground.

Then a wonderful thing happened. Richard came to the rescue. Seven year old Richard masterfully handled the situation and put me to shame. Instead of getting mad he started to talk to the other boy about how they could play together. What appeared to be an explosion suddenly turned into détente. The two boys started to play together while I stood there dumbfounded. How did this little kid handle this so well when I at 37 years old was not capable of diffusing the problem?

I have rarely been more proud of Richard than on that day. He showed me that he is on his way to becoming a terrific young man. He worked out a solution to a problem by keeping his head, not losing his temper and working together with his antagonist to come to an equitable solution. Anger only rarely solves problems. It usually begets more anger. Diffusing an angry situation takes the ability to be calm in the midst of a storm. It takes a clear head to see a way through the tangle of emotions. Clear thinking produces results. Anger does not produce peaceful coexistence. Working together does.

Conflict In Conflict Out

People say that if we have a conflict inside of us that we should let all hang out. I don’t really like this advice. Sure if you have a problem with someone you should talk to them about it. But too often this advice is taken to mean – let them have it. Too often people use this as an excuse to attack someone verbally. Expressing our feelings is one thing, but expressing angry feelings can wreck relationships, especially if the anger we feel inside is released over and over again. If we are always mouthing off and criticizing the people around us, for the sake of letting these feelings off our chest, then we won’t have any friends anymore. Often by expressing something negative we create more problems than we solve.

I didn’t like the Lord Mayor of our fair city. He was a nice person and all but I didn’t think he had the skills necessary to turn the city around. So I did what any citizen of these United States has the God given right to do, I voted for another candidate at election time. And before the election I did what any citizen of our wonderful nation also has the right to do, I expressed my negative feelings about our Mayor publicly. Bad move for this clergyman, as you will soon see.

We had a fundraiser at the church. It was to support MS and was being organized by our young people. We were having spaghetti and meatballs, salad, etc… Lots of people came out to support this cause. One of the people who came out was a surprise, the Mayor and his wife. They came in to buy take-out. When I saw him I thought of one thing. He’s trolling for votes. The election is coming up and this guy is getting his face into as many places as possible. My sarcastic mind started to race through the possibilities and I came up with a way to take a verbal jab at the Mayor.

I remembered a cartoon character from a Saturday morning show my kids watch. Mayor White, always dressed in white with white hair (must be a cousin of mine). He goes around the cartoon town with a button on his vest that says, Vote for Me. Whenever he finishes talking he says, Vote for Me. Whenever he speaks in pubic there are signs that say, Vote for Me. You get the picture. This image popped into my head and I just couldn’t hold back.

“Vote for Me”, I said over and over at the dinner table. Lots of people heard me and they all knew just what I meant. “Vote for Me”, I said waving the Nixon v for victory sign. “Vote for Me”, I said a little too often and a little too loudly. I felt like the life of the party, a real class cutup. I was having a good old time, until the party was over.

The Mayor heard me, his wife heard me, many of the leaders of my church heard me and some of them were embarrassed and ashamed. My people approached me afterwards and took me to task. They said that I should be setting an example of Christian love and hospitality and not taking a shot at anyone for any reason. Now, some people defended my actions and said that I was just expressing what everyone felt. But my detractors are right. As a minister I should be setting an example. And I shouldn’t be taking pot shots at anyone. It was a disgraceful episode that I should not have allowed to happen.

Because of this and other experiences, I no longer buy into the idea that expressing our feelings is an excuse for launching verbal assaults at another person. Expressing feelings has become the defense we use to explain why we hurt others. We now have an entire industry on cable TV devoted to expressing feelings. What it is really devoted to is making money through the verbal abuse. We all shake our heads at it, but we keep watching. Very sad.

It’s been my experience that the negative thoughts and feelings that bounce around inside my head eventually come out. Like I said previously, most councilors tell us that we should express ourselves. But if I constantly let my wife hear every negative thought that enters my brain, our relationship will be damaged and possibly destroyed. There is a difference between expressing our feelings and smashing someone over the head with them over and over again. There must be a better way.

If I want to prevent conflict with the people I love, I have to take care of the conflicts inside of me first. Then I can express my feelings with understanding and love, the way the Master taught us to.

Peace,

Pastor Bill

Ruinous Conflict

I remember it like it was yesterday. My first Annual meeting as a member of the church. I had been baptized just a few months before and I was only thirteen. This was all very new and exciting. I had heard some stories about the conflicts that sometimes happened at these meetings. I was secretly hoping that some fireworks would happen this day. I was not to be disappointed.


I don’t remember how the fight started. But the fight was about the day car center that occupied our building for many years. For as long as we had the day car center, there was fighting over it. Now it seemed that things had come to a boil. The family that was against the center was led by a older man who seemed to be their family patriarch. What he said was the law in that family. Most of the rest of the people in the meeting seemed to support the center. The patriarch said that the kids in day care damaged the building and didn’t pay enough rent to balance out the cost. Other people countered that the center was more of a ministry than a business for the church and should remain regardless of the cost. It went back and forth like this for a while. As it did the emotional level increased. I even remember someone crying during one part of the heated discussion.

Then Mrs. Arrow stood up and spoke. I remember her fondly. She was a very elegant lady originally from the south. She had a slight accent and carried herself with dignity and gentleness. She was a lovely woman. This day she stood up and was not so gentle. She said in a loud clear voice for everyone to hear, that the entire family that opposed the center did not contribute one dime to the church (I believe they stopped giving in protest). As a result they should not have the right to give their opinions regarding the operation of the church. Now if you know anything about religious organizations, having your giving status proclaimed loudly for everyone to hear is the most humiliating thing that could happen. So immediately the patriarch stood up and walked out of the church with the rest of the family close behind. We never saw them again.

Because I was still a child I considered the meeting as a child would. Wow, I remember thinking, I hope that next years meeting is the same. Now of course I can look back and see the destructive nature of the conflict behind that meeting. Two sides that refused to see each other’s point of view. Two groups striving with each other with no desire to compromise. Something had to give. And that something was my gentle, loving friend, Mrs. Arrow. The least likely person to get angry and launch a verbal mission at the warring family.

Years later I was told that Mrs. Arrow never forgave herself for what she said in that heated debate. For a brief moment she let her self-control slip and she let that family have it. She regretted it the rest of her life. That meeting hurt a lot of people, Mrs. Arrow most of all. Many people would say that the patriarch and his family deserved it. But I see nothing but sorrow and hurt coming from it. Conflict is ultimately destructive. The feeling of superiority that accompanies a good comeback line is temporary. What lasts is the hurt feelings on both sides of the conflict. The peace that comes at a conflicts end is not worth the cost. Relationships are damaged and broken. Often they are not mended. Today I see conflict as no fun. It needs to be avoided at all cost.

Peace,

Pastor Bill